Alright, you maggots! Stand at attention and listen good! You are here because you love video games, and you stand among the proud few (not so few) who enjoy speedruns. By the time I am finished with you, you will know what it is like to speedrun the games Contra and Contra III. This will not be easy. You will sweat. You will swear. You will cry like sissy girls. But you will be entertained. Oh, and I forgot to mention… Contra-ry (heh heh) to common sense, the first run’s a pacifist run.
I hope you’ve all learned a valuable lesson. Sparing people who want to kill you will make your life harder. There is a reason aiqiyou is the only runner in this category. Just don’t ask me what it is, I don’t know either. Don’t get too comfortable, maggots, because Contra III is up now, and this time it’s hard mode with co-op.
Pay close attention to how Hurblat and Mr. K. coordinate with each other. Retro games are as much about pattern memorization as they are skill, but the latter becomes that much more important with a teammate. Things to note: due to frame rate and Youtube’s technicalities, some of the projectiles don’t always show up. Player 2’s deaths in stage three are done in order to reduce lag.
What have we learned here today? As we saw, being a pacifist in the middle of a battle zone is not recommended. We also learned teamwork, teamwork, teamwork. That concludes this Contra combat drill. You are now no longer maggots. You are hardened gamers. Now I want you all to go out there and play video games in the name of your country. Dismissed!
But if you’d prefer to stick around, we offer this supplementary lesson on the Diablo series. You will find similar material to what we covered today, including co-op and pacifist runs.