Patch notes as a rule are dull. Incremental changes to arcane stats, a slight nerf to a system no one cares about. This hardly makes for compelling reading. In recent years, however, there has been a tendency amongst developers to spice up patch notes. Fall Guys is in on the action, for example. The Sims 4 patch notes are always good for a laugh as well. Of course, Crusader Kings 2 had some famously great patch notes too. As such, it’s no surprise that Paradox has continued the tradition with some frankly bizarre patch notes for Crusader Kings 3. The fantastic grand strategy game already has more than it’s fair share of odd moments, so it’s good to see the patch notes continuing this!
What’s A Little Excommunication Between Friends?
To be fair to Paradox, the majority of Crusader Kings 3’s patch notes are much-needed fixes. Plenty more are balancers or remove exploits. They really are quite dry:
– Increased the AI willingness to spend on Duchy Capital buildings
– The AI is more likely to acquiesce to a faction demand when they’re deep in debt
– When granting titles, the AI now has a small preference for giving away titles it more recently acquired, instead of keeping its older titles
This is not a page-turning action. However, read a little further and you get to the juicy changes for Crusader Kings 3. For example, “Gave the AI dancing lessons”. What? Was this something the AI needed? Then you have “The AI is now reluctant to betroth boys to old women, regardless of them sharing their dynasty or not”. Yes, I too would prefer not to marry my 80-year-old aunt, thanks. Following that, there’s “Made the Crusader helmet show up in the barbershop”. I know what I’m asking for when I next get my hair cut! Then we get to my favorite, “A Head of Faith will no longer forsake their religion if your spouse is charming enough”. Oh man, I just hate it when that happens.
Further Oddities In Crusader Kings 3’s Patch Notes
Crusader Kings 3’s patch notes only get stranger from there too. Here’s a brief selection of my favorites.
– A faction will no longer courteously greet you before calling you a tyrant
– A zealous character will now sweat a bit about committing adultery
– Characters that should be naked no longer wear cloaks
– Children can no longer be educated by hardened criminals
– Naughty children go straight to jail with no education
– You no longer is the real father, you ARE the real father!
– The Pope can no longer publicly accept cannibalism
– Sneaky people will now wear sneaky clothes
Wow. There sure is a lot there. Crusader Kings 3’s patch notes might be my favorite thing about this game so far! Frankly, I can get on-board with naughty children being sent straight to jail. I’d be less comfortable with the real-life Pope being down with eating people though. Are there any good patch notes I missed? What’s your favorite patch notes?
Also, make sure to check out our guides! Want to start your own coven? What about fabricating a claim? Or do you simply want a good old-fashioned war with your neighbor? Let me know of your Crusader Kings 3 shenanigans in the comments below.