The Quirky Quark: Passing of Former ‘First Dog’ Confirms Heaven is Real

In light of the tragic passing of the Obama family’s former ‘First Dog,’ Bo, this past Saturday, recent Twitter activity suggests that we as a Nation can finally all agree on one thing: Heaven is real. 

Former atheist Sam Harris, author of Waking Up: A Guide to Spirituality Without Religion and The End of Faith, sent out a humble tweet shortly after the canine’s fateful passing. “Well, I’ll be damned,*face-palm emoji*” he tweeted. He later followed up this statement by laying out a complex rational argument, one part philosophical logic-equation and one part mathematical proof, that required several rounds of analysis by a multi-faceted team of logicians and religious leaders to confirm its reasoning. The argument was: “Bo was a dog,” Harris tweeted, “And all dogs go to Heaven. Therefore, Bo went to Heaven… Oh, and somewhere in there, that also means Heaven is real.”

In an exclusive interview with the Quirky Quark, Harris also stated that immediately after he posted the tweet, he could actually hear the collective sighing of all Catholic priests in the United States. “Guess us atheists really did have them holding their breath there for a minute,” Harris commented with a chuckle, but then sighed, sagging a little lower in his brown leather chair. “But—this, with Bo… The reasoning here is really quite infallible. I guess it’s for the best, though. I think it’s pretty safe to say that if Bo didn’t get to go to some kind of Great Big Dog-Park in the Sky, the entirety of the Universe would logically be a cruel, meaningless vortex of nothingness, and we might as well collectively set ourselves on fire and jump off a cliff.” The staff of the Quirky Quark, along with every other human being in the Nation, shrugged in unison, nodding in unanimous  agreement.

“I guess I never really met him,” Harris continues, “but Bo was a dog. And all dogs are good boys. Thus, Bo—” Quirky Quark reporter Morven Braedus had to politely wrap up the conversation at this point, explaining that that sort of complex reasoning just went right over his head. Harris stated the timing was fine by him, remarking “I’ve gotten pretty behind on my Hail Mary’s, anyway.” 

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Nerdy Nugget: Bo was born October 9, 2008 and died May 8, 2021 at 12 years old. Bo was a Portuguese water dog, a breed known for its ability to herd fish into fishermen’s nets, retrieve lost tackle, and act as couriers from ship to ship or ship to shore. In other words, he was an extremely good boy. 

If you want more of The Quirky Quark (and perhaps a little more of First Dog, the best boy), the Nerdiest satire in The Galaxy, click HERE.