The List. An important staple of internet journalism. After painstaking research, countless hours of data analysis, 3 shamanic rituals, and asking our moms if we could use the internet, we here at The Nerd Stash have discovered a shock fact: people seem to enjoy information when it’s compartmentalized into numerical order. Well, who are we to judge? People want their information like they want their fingers: close, user friendly, and preferably in multiples of five. Like a man very far away from a camera used to say: ……………………………………It’s:
In No Particular Order 01: The Top Five Most Memorable Nintendo Guide Characters
Intro: Ode to the Guide
Nintendo has never been one to load you down with a ton of tutorial info straight off the bat. Go down the list of Nintendo games, and you’ll rarely ever find a good one that doesn’t find some clever way to teach what it’s about. One of their more common strategies is the use of a guide character, an NPC that exist to feed you tutorial information in a way that doesn’t break the fiction of the story. Usually, these characters are residences of the world your about to explore, or veterans in the field your about to venture through. They make you feel important, informed, and ad a lot of character and fun to a segment of a game that would otherwise feel like homework.
Isabelle: Enabling Mayoral Negligence Since 2012
‘Animal Crossing New Leaf’
Picture this: You’ve just pulled into your new town. You barely have time to visit your tent, and already you’ve been made the psuedo-dictator of a society of anthropomorphic animals. Now they expect you to do everything from custodial work to museum archiving to constructing gazebos. When the dust settles, you’re left dumbstruck. You didn’t ask for this responsibility! You’re not cut out for the public sector! You just wanted to live the simple life out in the boonies, catching butterflies and playing virtual boy all day. Luckily, behind every great
despot politician is an even better clerical staff, and Isabelle is by far the best help a newly elected candidate could ask for. Tough but fair, Inside this timid shit’zu roars the heart of an administrative mastiff. She’ll make sure all the paperwork is done, all the taxes are collected, and all the right wheels are greased so you can spend your term reclining in your office chair, writing obscenities on the town flag, and making rules about how long privately owned businesses have to stay open.
Little Known Fact: Isabelle spends her lunch breaks watching House of Cards on Netflix. She is currently in stage three of her five year plan to gain majority control of the town council, garner favor with the turnip lobbyists, and stage a hostile takeover of your office.
Navi: Hyrule’s Most Overbearing GPS
The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time
Navi gets a lot of unwarranted criticism. For a lot of young gamers, this sassy ball of energy felt a little bit like a nagging mother (and for a lot of older gamers, like a nagging wife). “You don’t have time to cut grass for 12 hours! You’ve got to save the world,” she’d cry, much to the chagrin of an entire generation of brats with authority issues (and rightly so, because following instructions is what homework is for). With every “Hey, Listen”, you felt judged for shirking your duties, policed by the worlds most tenacious truant officer. But sometimes the worlds most important jobs are the most thankless, and in our darkest hours we remember not the words of giant pig men, but the silence of our friends. Yes, Navi was a bit heavy handed with her criticism of your lallygagging, but it’s that kind of commitment to the task at hand that our young hero of time needed. Navi is much like your mom, or your dad, grandma, or other parental unit. She just wanted what was best for you (and everyone else on Earth). She wanted to see you live up to your potential, wether you want to or not. No Kokiri of hers is going to be a slouch, and she knows you can use your time more constructively than pissing off cuckoos for three days straight. She’s the kind of authoritative busybody that keeps you on track, offering helpfully stern reminders of where it is your services are needed most.
Little Know Fact: Navi is still hurt that you never accepted her Facebook friend request. . . or followed her on twitter. . . or answered any of her Skype calls. . . or texts. She sent you a cheque last year for your birthday, and she knows you spent it.
The Toads: Insert ‘Fun Guy’ Joke Here
Super Mario Bros. Series
These little fun guys might as well be gamings official ambassadors (they’ve already got the little vests, just slap a name tag on them and blam, instant tour guide) . They deserve medals for all the hours they’ve put in. A Toads duties consist of, but are not limited to, overseeing parties, running item stores, and possibly their most iconic skill: telling you where things aren’t but not exactly where they are (like a newly employed Wal-mart greeter). Not to mention, when the going gets tough they’re able to step into the fray and offer they’re own brand of super speedy platforming skills. Toads come in many shapes, colors, and sizes (but mainly one). They’re always eager to help in any way they can, even if their not exactly the best men for the job. Still, their passion and indomitable spirit are nothing to sneeze at. Loyal to their matriarch and ever stalwart in the face of koopa invasion, you couldn’t ask for a better pit crew. Now, if we could just teach them how to make sure the Princess doesn’t get kidnapped in the first place. . . maybe locking the front door would be a good first step.
Little Known Fact: Toads eyes are not black. The optic sensors of their species consist simply of two oval shaped holes in their heads that let in light. When they are little, their mothers insert their middle and pointer finger into these sockets to carry them around like a bowling ball.
Doc Louis: I’m Gettin’ Too Retro for this Sh*t
Punch Out Series
No man is an island, except maybe King Hippo. My point is, nobody makes it to the top without at least a little help, and Jerome ‘Doc’ Louis is all the help you’ll ever need. He’s an Ex-champion boxer, a lover of all things chocolate, and apparently a very talented masseur. In training, Doc helps Mac by pushing him to new heights of speed, strength and agility (it’s hard to get that single frame jab down perfectly). In the ring, he’ll help you by offering advice, motivation, and single use health boost via the select button. And if you’re a bargain hunter, say no more. Doc’s got you covered with special advertisements for all of Nintendo’s loyalty programs from the past two centuries. Whether you’re looking to face Iron Mike, or just want someone to cycle behind you while you run past the statue of liberty in a pink tracksuit, Doc isn’t one to run away from a challenge. Just don’t get on his bad side, you don’t want to see the leopard print fury that lies beneath that red tracksuit.
Little Known Fact: Doc Louis once went five rounds with boxing legend Sugar Ray Robinson. Unfortunately, he was disqualified for his overuse of the then controversial ‘Why are you Hitting Yourself?’ technique.
Professor Oak: The Acceptable Face of Animal Experimentation
We all know guys like this. Capable of amazing intellect when it comes to certain subjects, but completely lost when it comes to remembering their grandson’s name. To call him an authority on Pokémon would be a massive understatement. A world traveler and a powerful Pokémon trainer in his youth, he’s spent his life learning everything there is to know about the world of Pokémon. He’s also the inventor of the Pokédex, an encyclopedic database containing information on all known species. Nearing the end of his career, he spends his time giving away powerful elemental creatures to ten year olds, convincing them to leave their families, and sending them unattended into the wild. Don’t worry, he’ll be there along your journey to offer help and friendly advice…mainly about how it’s not cool to ride your bike inside.
Little Known Fact: Professor Oak was the original supporter of adding an accent mark to the ‘e’ in the word Pokémon. He had just discovered how to type it in a word processor and was eager to impress his colleagues. It was this skill that won him his third Nobel Prize.