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Every video game has them. Enemies or monsters that exist to be killed by the player at the press of a button. Creatures so weak and pathetic, even your mother would be able to take them out–given some effort, anyway. But now, these baddies are angry, and they’ve come together to prove to everyone that if you had to face them in reality, you’d be on your knees crying and begging for mercy. Welcome to my Top 5 weak enemies that would be strong in real life.
#5 – Koopa Troopas
Turtle power! Wait, wrong franchise…
Koopas are the lowest ranked members of Bowser’s army, something I’ve never really understood, as goombas are far weaker. Koopas retreat into their shells if attacked, and will emerge after a few moments if left alone. They can throw projectiles too, like hammers and boomerangs. Without some sort of weapon to take them out, you would have to find some way of coming down on them from above, then getting rid of the shell without it sliding back at you. Simple in the games, more complicated in real life.
#4 – Bokoblins
Multicolored monsters with a thing for underwear fashion, at least according to Fi.
Hailing from the Zelda series, Bokoblins are stupid, funny-looking, and come in different colors. But despite their supposed lack of intelligence, they are capable of wielding technologically advanced weaponry and are dead-shot snipers. It only takes a couple hits to kill one, but then, it only takes a couple bullets or sword swings to kill a real-life human, too. Give these guys a pistol and you may as well be facing another human.
#3 – Tickers
You do not want these things going squish…
Creepy little buggers who attack by self-destructing. Who do they think they are, Electrode? Tickers are speedy, fast enough to get relatively close even if you do manage to shoot them down a good chunk of the time. If you get caught without a gun, you’re dead. They can move faster than most people can run, and a real-life person wouldn’t survive being blown up. On the upside, they’d die no matter what happened.
#2 – Slimes
Well, I’m gonna need a shower.
Oh no! It’s the weakest enemy in every RPG ever made! Run! Their appearance changes depending on the franchise, but most slimes have common characteristics. In real life, they would likely obtain nourishment by trapping prey inside their bodies and digesting them. And without any identifiable internal organs (think worms), it’s also possible they wouldn’t feel pain, either. Swords and bullets would just be absorbed and get stuck in them, doing no damage. The only way to kill one of these things would be via freezing, or with fire as they’d probably be plasma-based rather than liquid.
#1 – Grunts
“I’ll get ya, you big-” (Dies before it can finish.)
Small arms, stubby legs, squeaky voices, and all the brains of a dog’s chew toy add up to an expendable alien foot soldier equipped with advanced weapons and plasma grenades. Maybe the Chief can take them out without both hands tied behind his back, but a regular human probably wouldn’t have as much luck without that armor shielding them. If one lobbed a glowing blue ball of doom at you in reality, you’d be hauling your posterior in the other direction, guaranteed.
What do you think? Let us know in the comments below!
Matt Eschbach is a PC, Mac and Android indie game developer and fiction writer. His works have won multiple monetary awards from various contests. Graduating college in 2012 with a major in Game Design, Matt spends his time making stuff up and then building it. His favorite hobby… is sleeping.
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