Whelp, I’ve officially hit a wall in quarantine. I’ve played Final Fantasy VII Remake. I’ve logged a good twenty hours into Final Fantasy X-X2. Every night I watch Twitch streamers, and I’ve downed a bottle of bourbon. And a bottle of tequila, but that one’s a bit hazy. I thought I had nothing left to do with my boredom. Then, as quick as the dizzy feeling I get when I jump off the couch too fast, I remembered The Lord of the Rings.
So I’m doing it, and whoever reads this is stuck with me. I’m ranking the Tolkien/Peter Jackson Cinematic Universe. All six major films, from The Fellowship of the Ring to The Battle of the Five Armies. This is going to be fun – at least for a few movies. I’m solely looking at the films themselves. Differences between books and movies will not be considered, and lore/information from outside sources will not be weighed. Also, I will be using the extended editions, duh. So with that, let’s do it.
6. The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies
I want to say this upfront. I have fond memories of The Hobbit and its trilogy of films. My friends and I made sure to attend the midnight premieres, even though I know half of them couldn’t tell you the difference between Mirkwood and Rivendell. I cherish these memories. But, this trilogy is not good. And honestly, the third installment in the franchise outright stinks.
This movie should have been called The Dwarf: Thorin Oakenshield is the Only Important Character. Because, well, the entire movie is focused on Thorin. Bilbo, the “main character,” is fodder for Thorin’s story, and this is ridiculous.
The synopsis of the film is as follows: Smaug is dead. Thorin is rich and goes crazy. Thorin doesn’t trust his companions or honor his promises. A battle begins between orcs, elves, and dwarves, but Thorin won’t help. Finally, Thorin comes to his senses and joins the fight. Thorin defeats the villain but is injured in the process. In the end, Thorin is sorry for his mistakes and dies. And Bilbo goes back to The Shire.
It Get’s Worse
Oh, and if you thought Bilbo taking a back seat to Thorin wasn’t bad enough, you’re mistaken. This movie essentially became a backstory for Legolas.
Why? We didn’t need him. And we certainly didn’t need the elf/dwarf love story between Evangeline Lilly’s Tauriel and the dwarf Kili. They’ve known each other for maybe an hour? Yet, they’re so madly in love that they would die for one another? Yawn.
Lastly, ALFRID! This character is so useless. Did Peter Jackson seriously want comedic relief this badly? I mean, he wasn’t even funny. His scenes were crude and tasteless. There were thirteen dwarves whose comedic ability made them charming in the first film. But no, I guess we needed a ton of poorly written cross-dressing jokes and a buffoon with an unkempt uni-brow. On top of that, I forgot that Alfrid’s last name is Lickspittle. Lickspittle?! Come on, Jackson, come on.
There were some cool action scenes. I’ll give it that. Bolg smirking while Legolas’ blade entered and exited his had was badass. And Martin Freeman’s portrayal of Bilbo was fantastic again. But these positives weren’t enough. Even with a few bright spots, nothing could save this movie, and it saddens me.
5. The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey
If this movie got one thing right, it was the title. I certainly did not expect it to take 45 MINUTES for the journey to begin. There is nearly an hour of exposition and plot setup. Trim it down. This could’ve been an hour and forty-five-minute film, and it actually would’ve been pretty good. Instead, we got a lot of telling but hardly any show.
Almost twenty minutes was dedicated to explaining Thorin’s past. Another chunk of time was spent on Frodo. Frodo? He isn’t born yet! He’s not a character in this, and he already has three movies about his journey. I like fan service, but this was 100% unnecessary.
I didn’t feel connected to any character besides Bilbo, which is a big problem. Tolkien’s world of Middle Earth has already been well established in the LOTR films. Time should’ve been spent on getting to know Bilbo and the dwarves, not The Shire and Dale. If anything, highlight Lake-town instead of Dale. But really, don’t even worry about including that. I want to know the dwarves.
But, the dwarves never got the justice they deserved. After watching all three films this week, I can match a name and face to 5 of the 13 dwarves. Let me repeat that: 5 out of the 13 dwarves. Absurd.
A Fun Ride, Just Not What It Could’ve Been
An Unexpected Journey wasn’t a total bust. There were some entertaining and enjoyable scenes. The dinner meeting at Bag End set a cool tone, though it ran on for a bit too long. Bilbo is soaking in the peace of Rivendell and his game of riddles with Gollum. Both were remarkable and highlighted Martin Freeman’s show-stopping performance. I liked Goblin-town and the troll scene. But, without a connection to any of the dwarves, it felt like a handful of good scenes pasted together with little to no filling in between.
4. The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug
I’ve been mean so far, and I feel like I should toss The Hobbit series a bone. That said, I think The Desolation of Smaug is a good movie. It doesn’t breathe the same air as The Lord of the Rings, but it is a sound film.
DOS felt like a complete story. The secondary dwarves still didn’t get the shine they deserved, but new characters managed to carry certain scenes. The plot progressed smoothly, and the timeline was coherent. Each big scene leads to another, and the space in between was meaningful.
Smaug was frighteningly intimidating, and the tension between him and Bilbo was even better than Bilbo and Gollum’s in the previous film. The spiders of Mirkwood were an appropriate foe for the company and allowed Bilbo to take the lead. And, Beorn is awesome. The film does a great job of fleshing out his pain and resentment of orcs without wasting time on unnecessary exposition. He delivers his story quickly to the dwarves, and the plot promptly moved forward.
Still Flawed, But Better
The film still has it’s share of issues, but I’ll be more kind this time. Again, the elf/dwarf love story is pointless. It never truly goes anywhere, and in the end, it was for naught. Similarly, Legolas doesn’t need to be in these movies. There are 13 dwarves, a hobbit, and a wizard who could have managed just fine without Legolas’ presence. And lastly, just like in The Five Armies, Alfrid is brutally horrid. I’m not too fond of the Master of Lake-town either, but I can live with him being a minor antagonist.
I’ve disregarded Bard the Bowman throughout these discussions because I neither enjoy nor dislike his role in the films. Though I must say, his children receive far too much screen time.
3. The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
Truth be told, I think it’s fair to rank The Lord of the Rings movies in any order. All three are phenomenal in their own right, and Jackson created the most celebrated film trilogy ever when he made these movies. The love and care for these projects are clear from the opening moments of the trilogy, and I am thankful for them. But, I do have to rank them, so The Two Towers is number three.
To me, The Two Towers is more or an action movie than an epic story about overcoming evil. That’s not a bad thing, but I prefer the more human stories of The Fellowship and Return of the King.
I find the real magic of LOTR to be the stories of Sam, Frodo, Merry, and Pippin. Middle Earth is a vast, dangerous place, and seeing its happenings unfold through the eyes of mere hobbits is humbling. It reminds me of how small we all are but also shows that we are limitless.
Frodo and Sam manage to weave an interesting story alongside Gollum in The Two Towers, but Merry and Pippin aren’t nearly as valuable. They’re still charming as hell, and their ties to Treebeard are necessary for the Battle of Isengard. But if I’m honest, they’re background characters.
Most of the film is either depicting war or is in preparation for war. Don’t get me wrong; the Battle of Helm’s Deep is probably the greatest battle ever shot on film. But war movies aren’t my favorite. And with that said, The Two Towers has to be number three for me.
2. The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
This was the hardest decision out of the bunch. The Return of the King is often considered the best of the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy, and half of my heart agrees.
This film has everything. Frodo gives into the One Ring’s temptation, only to have Gollum’s blind allegiance to the Ring save him and cause its destruction. Sam remains loyal to Frodo throughout the journey and earns God-tier friend status. Pippin fights at the Battle of the Pelennor Fields, and Éowyn ends The Witch King despite a male-dominated cast. Aragorn leads an army of ghosts into battle and becomes King of Gondor. Saruman meets his demise. And Sauron is defeated.
The Return of the King could not have been better. In my opinion, it is perfect, and the reason it’s number two is quite silly. I prefer beginnings more than endings. The Fellowship of the Ring’s creation of Middle Earth opened my eyes to the world of fantasy, and I’ve never looked back. I know it’s silly, but The Fellowship of the Ring just means a little bit more to me.
1. The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
Watching The Fellowship for the first time is likely the happiest I’ve been when watching a movie. I love these characters, and every single one serves a purpose. The world is vast but feels like home. I don’t know how to say it, but it’s important to me.
Unlike The Hobbit franchise, I have a connection to each member of the Fellowship. Each character, even lesser ones like Elrond and Isildur, provides crucial world-building aspects for Middle Earth. The residents of The Shire show that not everyone in Middle Earth is ready for war. Gimli demonstrates the stubbornness of dwarves without a narrator having to tell me about it. And Legolas personifies elegance and the S-rank capabilities of elves.
A Tough Decision, But The Correct One
On top of sublime characters, The Fellowship of the Ring has some of the most iconic moments ever captured on film. Who doesn’t know Gandalf’s “You shall not pass”? Or, “One does not simply walk into Mordor.” The Nazgul were terrifying and served as a balance to the high spirits of hobbits. And, of course, one of my favorite scenes, Bilbo’s reunion with the One Ring in Rivendell, foreshadowed Frodo’s future corruption.
This movie builds a world, but it also tells us a lot about our own Earth. We see severe temptation and the ways it can change people. There is sacrifice. Teamwork but also fallout among friends. Even though there are elves and dwarves and a wizard, this movie is more human than most. It’s beautiful.
To close, this movie, as is the rest of the Lord of the Rings trilogy, is incredible! The Fellowship changed my life, and I’ll always have my copy of the extended edition nearby. I’ll watch it during breakfast, second breakfast, elevenses, luncheon, afternoon tea, dinner, and supper. The time and place do not matter. The trilogy’s first chapter is timeless, and The Fellowship will always be a classic. If you want to put Return of the King first, that’s fine, and I won’t argue. But for me, The Fellowship is the best experience out of the Lord of the Rings trilogy, and it is my number one.