If you thought John Wick was cool for weaponizing pencils, wait until you hear what the current iteration of the Florida Man was up to just recently. One of them managed to “batter” another fully grown man using nothing but an open ketchup packet, allegedly. Sadly, the ketchup thrower is now facing up to five years in prison after the rather spiteful sauce strike.
28-year-old Austin Simmons, from Florida, is the MacGyver in question, and according to information collated by news site The Smoking Gun, the incident occurred in a bus terminal back on January 19. Simmons, identified as a “transient,” was sleeping in the bus terminal, and according to victim Carlos Mora, Simmons looked like he passed out, so he checked up on him.
Sadly for Mora, Simmons “woke up irate,” because of Mora’s concern. Simmons then walked up to Mora and threw an open ketchup packet at the concerned citizen. For some reason, cops were quickly called to the scene, and upon arriving, the officers found that Mora had suffered “two spots of ketchup on his jacket” thanks to the projectile ketchup packet from Simmons, transcript courtesy of The Smoking Gun.
Simmons supposedly defended himself from the accusations, denying that he struck Mora with the ketchup and telling the cops that he was only “giving the victim a ketchup packet.” The cops, however, didn’t let Simmons off lightly, as he had a prior conviction back in 2019 and had been previously charged with a third-degree felony. Once more, Simmons has been charged with felony battery and now faces five years in state prison as a maximum penalty with a $5,000 bond.
There was another packet apart from the ketchup
The kicker, and the more unfortunate catalyst for Simmons’ harsher charges, was that cops also busted Simmons for carrying cocaine after a search. Truth be told, the rather minor altercation wouldn’t have necessitated charges, but the possession and the prior conviction were enough to make authorities worried. Simmons $5,000 bond, for the record, also covers the drug counts.
Regardless of what triggered the heavier charges, people online have unanimously agreed that it was the ketchup packet that got Simmons in trouble this time, even though the cops didn’t exactly collect the 0.3-ounce packet as evidence. The Florida man story has since gone viral on X/Twitter, where people were mocking how Simmons got in trouble, “Imagine explaining this to your cellmate,” jokes a commenter.
Others were pointing out the absurdity of the “battery,” as one would think getting grazed by an open ketchup packet and stained with two drops of ketchup would not have been taken so seriously. “Ah yes what a beautiful morning. Let me go out in the world and start some beef with ketchup 😭 wa-“ points out one commenter, with another adding, “ketchup spots on jacket equals felony charge.”
