A lazy Labor Day weekend found me spending multiple hours on the couch, catching up on some of my favorite terrible horror movies. For those of you who are looking for re-runs of some of the classics, look no further than the Sci-Fi network. After watching the movie Turistas, I began to cycle through moment after moment of stupidity that I have witnessed. I know all of you have watched a horror movie and thought to yourself, “what in the world is he/she thinking?” I have decided to create a list of my tips to surviving any scary situation that you may find yourself in the future. Welcome to “Andy’s Ultimate Horror Movie Survival Guide” (patent pending).
#1– Never take the shortcut. While taking your vacation trip, you may find yourself at a crossroads. You have the main path which was your initial plan; safe but a bit on the lengthy side. Out of nowhere, you discover a dirty road that seems to be a more direct route (but is obviously not on the map). For your safety, please follow your intended travel plans. If you decide to take the other route, you will find yourself lost and in the clutches of some inbred families.
Movies that come to mind: Wrong Turn, The Hills Have Eyes
#2– Stay away from Europe. Everything that goes wrong seems to happen in Europe. Maybe the locals see how gullible and easy going Americans are, but nothing good ever happens in that continent. You will be invited to a rave or wild party with strobe lights, crazy colors, and people putting stuff into your drink. When you do wake up, you’ll probably find yourself in a tough spot.
Movies that come to mind: Hostel, The Human Centipede
#3– Before going anywhere, completely charge your phone. Make sure you buy a prepaid phone that can call anywhere. When your car breaks down or plane crashes and you are trapped in a scary location, odds are your phone will have no power. Make sure to arm yourself with a fully charged phone.
Movies that come to mind: Every horror movie ever made
#4– Don’t split up. If you and your group loses point of reference, you might be tempted to split up and cover more ground that way. Don’t. Nothing good will come of it.
Movies that come to mind: Again, every horror movie ever made. But for the point of picking one, how about House on Haunted Hill?
#5– If you find yourself being pursued by someone with bad intentions, don’t run into a solitary building or closet. Odds are, the person is doing the slow walk in your direction and has no chance of catching you. Just keep running in any direction until you come across a town.
Movies that come to mind: Texas Chainsaw Massacre, I Know What You Did Last Summer, House of Wax
#6– If the worst case scenario happens and you find yourself battling with someone, make sure that they are completely dead. Don’t be tempted to hit them with a crowbar in the head and walk away. Odds are that person’s superhuman strength is kicking in and they will get right back up for more.
Movies that come to mind: Saw, Texas Chainsaw Massacre (again)
Did I miss any? I’m sure I did, but if you arm yourself with these tips to start, you should be able to navigate the toughest of spots.
Just an old man who enjoys the simple things in life: Seinfeld, Michigan sports, working out, and playing video games. You can find me on the basketball court or trying to find a way to slow down time.