When someone steals something from you, your first thought would be to call the police. You might even think of installing a camera to catch them during the act. If what they stole isn’t something expensive, you might decide to let it go. Yeah, this wasn’t the case with an unhinged Baltimore witch. Apparently, there is a “flower thief” who has been stealing her flowers for a while. She could have installed a camera or something, but she decided to leave a message for the thief. The signs read:
“To the flower thief who dug up my plants: first of all—bold move. Second of all—just so you know, I’ve been lovingly fertilizing those flowers with a sacred cocktail of menstrual blood, feces, and the whispered curses of my ancestors. You didn’t just steal plants—you adopted my biological children. Enjoy your haunted, poop-fed blooms. And for the love of hygiene—wash your hands, hon. Xoxo your neighborhood garden witch”
Okay, so this might be better than installing cameras. If I were the thief and I read this message, I would be scared. In fact, the thief would be better off if they decided to end their criminal days. I don’t doubt that the “Baltimore witch” actually used her menstrual blood, feces, and whatever curses of her ancestors meant. Even if no curses were involved, I wouldn’t want to take flowers that have a cocktail of menstrual blood and feces. Now, I wish I could see the flower thief’s face when they read this.
People Reacting to the Baltimore Witch’s Message
Surprisingly, a lot of people in the Baltimore community supported the witch. One person agreed with her by saying, “As someone who has had their plants stolen because people are impossible pieces of shit, I fully support this.” Someone else wrote, “Don’t mess with a garden witch.” Now, that’s advice that the flower thief should take. One Redditor liked the vibe of the witch and decided that they wanted to be her friend. “I don’t know them, but they’re my best friend,” they wrote. I mean she does sound fun in a way. The admiration continued as another person commented, “They need to put a plaque out there for whoever wrote this.” One great description of how the entire situation felt was shared by someone who wrote, “Big tumblr vibes.”
Not everyone was a fan of the witch’s words, as several people started coming after her. Some left comments such as “Cringiest shit I ever read,” “I’m sort of on the thief’s side after reading this,” and “What a loser.” Aside from admiring or criticizing, others started a debate on how the message felt like it was written by AI. “ChatGPT wrote that message,” one person wrote. Someone else said, “It’s corny because it was written by AI. You can tell by a few things, and these tells make the note seem corny. You’re not wrong, just correctly skeptical. Your downvotes are undeserved. Justice for cheese louise!!!” However, some people pointed out that not everything is written by ChatGPT. “people use emdashes, hon,” one argued. Whether it was written by AI or not, it’s still a nice piece of art.
