Title: Tell Me How I Die
Release Date: September 9, 2016 (Limited)
Studio: Supergravity Pictures
Director: D.J. Viola
Release Format: Theatrical (Limited)
I usually start out these reviews with a message about the current state of the film industry or something to that effect. However, today I’m just gonna skip all of that and not beat around the bush. Why? Because I’m tired. Do not get this twisted because I love being a film critic. It’s my job and I love reviewing movies. But every once in awhile a certain film comes along that brings me to the boiling point of no return. Tell Me How I Die is another one of those films. Tell Me How I Die is a test in patience, a blight on cinema destined to be found in the $3.99 bin at your local car wash. Even then, the price would still be too high. It is horrible, one of the worst films of the year and now I get to tell you why.
Tell Me How I Die involves a group of young adults who decide to participate in a clinical drug trial. Does this trial take place in a hospital or a lab close to civilization? No, it take place in a luxurious building way outside of town, in the middle of the woods, during a blizzard. Why would any of them agree to this? Because they are very stupid people. Anyway, they discover that the drug gives them the ability to see their deaths ahead of time. However, that becomes the least of their worries. Ya see, evidently this is the second trial and a past patient who was given a higher dosage of the drug is out to kill them all. It’s days like this that I pine for the days of Platinum Dunes ruining all my favorite horror films with remakes.
It’s one thing when a horror film is just bad or even boring. However, Tell Me How I Die is a horror film that doesn’t even try. It has a somewhat interesting concept about a drug that can make you see the future. The problem is the movies just uses it as a means to have some random, generic slasher come and kill them. The movie never even explains why he’s trying to kill these people. It makes it clear why he’d want to kill the doctors, but not the other characters. I mean, they are being manipulated just like him so you’d think he’d be helping them. Nope, he’s just nuts because we haven’t seen that in a million other films.
The acting in this film is atrocious. Not only are they boring, they are ungodly annoying. It actually caused me physical pain watching these people try to act. They either sound like bad stereotypes or like they’re reading off of cue cards. Either way, it’s awful. Their characters are some of the dumbest people to ever grace a horror film. Every dumb move you can think of a character doing in a horror movie, they do it here. Trust me. The villain is pretty worthless. There is nothing interesting or unique about this villain other than an ability to see things before they happen. Even then, the movie never really makes it clear just how it works. It’s hard to describe but with certain characters, this “unique” ability seems awfully inconsistent.
Tell Me How I Die doesn’t even manage to look aesthetically impressive. I mean, the house from the outside looks kind of nice but the effects are just awful. An explosion happens in this movie towards the end. The effect is so terrible, you can swear it was done by a 12 year-old Youtuber who only recently learned how to use After Effects. Even the effects used for their visions in this film look like something out of a cheap fan-fiction. Look, I can respect if the film was low budget but if you can’t make an explosion or something as simple as a transition effect look convincing, it should not be in your film at all.
Tell Me How I Die is just a painful horror film that I would not wish upon any of you. The acting is horrendous, the characters are idiots, the villain is a joke and the film ruins a potentially interesting idea in favor of just making another generic slasher film. I will say this though, Mark Rolston is in this movie. He;s only there for about five minutes but I am pro-Mark Rolston being in any horror based movie under any circumstances. That man is awesome but this film is not good. Do not see this film. Life is short.
- Well... I Am Pro Mark Rolston Being In Any Horror Movie Under Any Circumstance... And That's About It.
- Horrible Acting
- Thinly Written Characters
- Horrendous Dialogue
- Nonsensical Story
- Awful Humor That Falls Flat At Every Turn
- Ridiculous Character Decisions
- Lackluster Villain